I keep expecting to wake up

This morning, at 3:30 AM, I called the ambulance. Lisa was unresponsive, though we had spoken a little bit less than an hour before. She started foaming at the mouth and her eyes rolled back in her head, but she was still breathing until just before the first EMT arrived.

The EMTs worked on her for 45 minutes but got no response. They even had a portable defibrillator. I couldn't watch them work on her. Then they loaded her into the ambulance and told me that they were taking her to the hospital -  but not the emergency room. I took that to mean that she was gone. I went into the ambulance and said my goodbyes. They had already stopped working on her. She was gone.

I remember a lot more detail about the ordeal but don't really think that it's necessary to reveal it all here and now. I'm getting confused; I'm still in shock. I want to go lay down next to her in the bed and wrap my arms around her. Well, I will go lay down in the bed. I've been up for something like 36 hours and it's getting hard to keep my eyes from crossing. Fighting it just seems to make it worse.


  1. Jay,
    I'm sorry for your loss, I know from experience there are no words that make it any easier, but you already know that. You will carry her in your heart forever but life must go on. I still grieve every day for the loss of Judy and nothing can ease that. I do recommend you try to find a hospice grief counceling session if there is one in your area. It helps to have someone to talk to that understands your feelings. After almost 6 years I still need them.

  2. So sorry to read this. Take care of yourself ..