ruminations and confessions

Well, I did it again, for better or worse. I still haven't decided which.

On Thursday afternoon I received a phone call from Citi's medical group. My urinalysis came back positive for marijuana. They asked me about all of the prescription and OTC meds I take, including multivitamins. They asked where I buy my multivitamins. Nothing I described pointed to a reason for the positive reading.

I denied using marijuana but said that I understand that I cannot argue with the results of the test.

I have moral and technical issues with urinalysis. Someone who uses marijuana occasionally will test positive, while someone with a serious cocaine problem will test negative if he hasn't been able to afford to get high for a couple of days.

Nonetheless, I tested positive because I had in fact smoked pot recently. I am guilty, and I blame none but myself.

The medical group told me, in response to my question ("should I leave now?"), to wait to hear from Human Resources. So I finished the day and came back in the morning. After a few hours I got another call - this time from the firm that placed me at Citi - telling me about the test results (they were not told what I tested positive for, but I told them myself) and telling me to leave the job site immediately.

I sought out my manager. She had taken the day off, so I told a couple of other people in the department that I was leaving. At the security desk, I turned in my ID and parking badge. No reason to get huffy and leave without doing the right thing.

Since that morning I have been vacillating between remorse and relief. After only a few days of work, I was getting very edgy while at home. Everything bothered me. I needed to sleep but couldn't fall asleep early enough. So I have done a lot of meditating out in the yard and am making it a priority to attend meetings. There is one in 45 minutes and I'll be there.

While sitting in the yard this morning, I placed a call to my manager at Citi. The call went to voice mail. I expressed my apologies and said that I will call later because I would like to speak to her for a few minutes.

I accept responsibility for this episode, but am still up in the air over what it means in the long run. Of course I am disappointed in myself, but what is done is done.