joy and guilt

Yesterday Anna and Taylor were supposed to come over for a late Christmas visit. They did, bringing along Dad, Velma and Ike.

I hadn't seen Ike for five years. I was so happy! I told him that I had been considering asking him via email whether he could make it for Christmas, but wanted it to be a real surprise if he did show up.

We had a wonderful time, the whole family together again. They all love Lisa and are happy for us.

Then, today, I started crying uncontrollably. I realized that they had all come a long way to see me and felt that I didn't deserve their love. So many times I had made promises that I could not, would not or was simply too lazy to keep. Missing birthdays, Christmas, showing up drunk and late for school functions. Nevertheless they all love me and were so very happy to see me.

Lisa eventually got me talking about it, telling me that I am a good man and did my best with the kids. In my mind I know that this is simply not true, but what is past is past. I cannot change any of it and for some reason my kids love me. This is difficult to accept but I need to do so in order to move on.