joy and guilt

Yesterday Anna and Taylor were supposed to come over for a late Christmas visit. They did, bringing along Dad, Velma and Ike.

I hadn't seen Ike for five years. I was so happy! I told him that I had been considering asking him via email whether he could make it for Christmas, but wanted it to be a real surprise if he did show up.

We had a wonderful time, the whole family together again. They all love Lisa and are happy for us.

Then, today, I started crying uncontrollably. I realized that they had all come a long way to see me and felt that I didn't deserve their love. So many times I had made promises that I could not, would not or was simply too lazy to keep. Missing birthdays, Christmas, showing up drunk and late for school functions. Nevertheless they all love me and were so very happy to see me.

Lisa eventually got me talking about it, telling me that I am a good man and did my best with the kids. In my mind I know that this is simply not true, but what is past is past. I cannot change any of it and for some reason my kids love me. This is difficult to accept but I need to do so in order to move on.

1 comment:

  1. I had a wonderful time and it was so great to see you again. If my stomach wasn't so damned messed up I would have had much more fun, though.

    While the past isn't the happiest place to dwell, you can always look forward to the 'opening in the cave', so to speak. I'm so happy that you've found someone to share your life with, that you love and loves you in return. Anna and I will always love you because we know that you really are a good and caring person. You just had some issues that you've gotten over (and we're all very happy and proud of you for that, as well). I know that if I lived closer, then I would be more than happy to come and see you more. Those car rides though...hell, you saw me yesterday. Those rides are murder on my stomach (yay, Dramamine).