open letter to a taco

What 'chu gon' play now? (intro to "Make It Funky," James Brown/Charles Bobbit, 1971)

Sing with me, y'all, at least until the italics are done ...

You take Sally, and I'll take Sue
There ain't no difference between the two
Cocaine, runnin' all 'round my brain

Heading down Scott, turning up Main
Looking for the girl who sells cocaine
Cocaine, runnin' all 'round my brain

Oh mama, come real quick
That ol’ cocaine's about to make me sick
Cocaine, runnin' all 'round my brain

Late last night, 'round a quarter past four
Someone knocking on my hotel room door, saying
"Where's that cocaine," well it's runnin' all 'round my brain

(spoken)
I was talking to the doctor down to the hospital
He said "Son, it says here on your chart that you’re 24,
but that’s impossible; you look like you could be 45."
(back to singing)
Cocaine, runnin' ‘round this boy's brain

Oh mama, come real quick
That ol’ cocaine's about to make me sick
Cocaine, runnin' all 'round my brain

(spoken)
Another morning I woke up at the crack of dawn
I looked into the mirror and my nose was gone
Imagine my embarrassment
(back to singing)
Runnin' all 'round my brain

Oh mama, come real quick
That ol’ cocaine's about to make me sick
Cocaine, runnin' all 'round my brain
- ("Cocaine," by the Rev. Gary Davis)

Yes, I used to be a cokehead - so bad that I went through two inpatient rehabs.

In fact, you see that line in the lyrics above - "looked in the mirror and my nose was gone"? I met somebody like that in Elmira, NY. She was in one of my outpatient groups while I was in the halfway house (after my second inpatient stint).

Her nose was literally almost gone. The cartilage in the septum had died and her nose collapsed. She knew it; she commented on it and even had a sense of humor about it. Her face was almost flat. The cartilage died from a combination of the corrosive effects of the coke and from diminished blood flow (cocaine constricts the blood vessels).

Many celebrities had surgery for deviated septums (septae?) during the 1970's and early '80's caused by coke abuse; this woman was way, way past that. The septum was essentially gone.

Why do I bring this up today? Good question; one that deserves a good and honest answer.

I read my daughter's blog "just the other day," and it was pretty obvious that she was on ecstasy when she wrote a particular entry. This screed is a response to her; I know she reads my blog occasionally.

She (my daughter) is almost 18 years old, and I know that she's been smoking weed for a while. That alone didn't bother me too much; by the time I was her age I had been smoking daily for a couple of years. Sure, it screwed up my schoolwork; my grades were plummetting by the time I entered my Senior year of high school. I took LSD and the occasional pill too. The acid had a lesser effect on my grades - it isn't something you can take every day (tolerance builds quickly, you need to take a few days off between trips) - but I smoked pot all day, every day for the last two years of High School. And, to be fair, for the following 18 years, 20 or so years in all.

Marijuana affects your short-term memory. As an evening treat, like having a beer after work, it isn't too much of a problem. However, when you smoke during the school (or work) day it certainly affects your ability to retain what you've "learned" during the day.

Years ago I was a minor activist against random drug testing for "current employees." I was the only employee of a certain corporation to speak up in writing (and I signed the letter) against a proposed full-scale random drug testing initiative. A few others also spoke up in writing, but they signed their letters "Anonymous."

The plant manager thanked me personally for my input. He also stated that the "Anonymous" letters were discounted because the individuals did not have the guts to sign their names to their letters.

My reasoning, as expressed in my letter to the management, was this: testing new-hires was one thing, testing existing employees was something else entirely.

Why? Someone with a real drug problem wouldn't be able to stay clean long enough to pass a drug test for a new job. On the other hand, a current employee should only be tested if they show signs of drug abuse. The example I gave to support the latter statement was this:

Take the case of "Joe." He had smoked pot as a teenager or perhaps as a college student, but had quit all drugs years ago. Joe has been an exemplary employee - showing up on time, doing his job very well, perhaps even moving up the ranks while receiving good raises and the occasional promotion due to extraordinary performance. Call him "a respected and valuable employee."

Let's say Joe took a two week vacation, once he had earned that much time off, and went camping with some old school friends. On the first or second night of his vacation, he accepted a few hits off of a joint around the campfire - if only for "old times' sake". He didn't indulge for the remainder of his vacation because pot just wasn't attractive to him anymore. If, when he returned to work two weeks later, his name came up on the "random" testing list, there is a good chance that he'd test positive for cannabis.

But would he be truly impaired at this point? He hadn't smoked in many years, only smoked once or twice during his vacation, and had no intention of smoking pot again.

The "random" drug test would declare him to be a drug user - and thus subject to summary dismissal with no chance to defend himself.

Would this be fair to Joe or to the company?

The end result - though I'm not sure how much my letter had to do with it - was that the company in question instituted drug testing for new hires, but would only test current employees if they had evidence that a problem existed. I was very happy about that.

At this time I should reveal that I was an active pot smoker (and occasional cocaine and LSD user) when I wrote that letter. I even tried to start a petition among the employees, but nobody had the balls to sign it. They were all afraid that they would be targeted for drug tests. (This is probably the point in my life where I finally started to stand up for myself, regardless of the opinions of others. It is also one of the moments in my life of which I am the proudest. I took a stance when others were too afraid, and ended up protecting them.)

Despite my regular marijuana use, I was never called upon for a drug test at that company - probably because I was a "respected and valued employee." I could always be counted upon to work hard and come up with creative solutions to any problem that arose. I would work overtime (especially once I got out of the stockroom and had a more creative position).

To be sure, I would have been even better if I had been clean of drugs and alcohol, but I still managed to work my way up from the stockroom to Engineering without going to college. And I smoked weed every day for the 15 years that I worked there, with the first bowl coming before work.

Over the years I eventually stopped smoking pot and using other drugs, but not until after I had left that company - and a few others. Most of us go through a few jobs. I have been reprimanded over the years for being "apparently buzzed," but all of my employers have been very happy - impressed, even - with the quality and quantity of my work. I do an exceptional job in my chosen field and regularly do more than is asked.

I've never been fired for doing a shoddy job - but the time the President of the company came by my desk with a tour group of outsiders and asked me to bring up "something interesting" on my computer screen may have been a low point; I had just come back from a 6 beer, 2 bowl lunch. I was able to do what he wanted easily enough, but the odor of beer and weed must have permeated my cubicle. That's what I get for taking an earlier lunch than the rest of my department, I guess.

But, enough about me.

My daughter has an impressive mind - better than mine (and that's saying a lot, considering the size of my ego - I've scored between 136 and 140 on every IQ test I've taken; not too bad) - and it kills me to think that she might be falling down the same slippery slope that I did. Worse, my son could do the same, and he has the same tendency toward depression as I do. Bad news.

As for me, well, I haven't done Ecstasy. I've done just about everything else, and anything I liked I did to excess. It's in my genes; I come from a family of alcoholics. Chemical abuse is in my blood (no pun intended). To this day I have a feeling of loss for not having the opportunity to try E. That's just the way my brain is wired.

One fellow I met in my first rehab phrased it very well: "I'm addicted to everything I like." Of course it should be noted that this particular guy (age 30) had experienced two crack-induced heart attacks by the time I met him. Also, he was only in rehab because of a court order. He went back out on the street and started doing crack again. I have no idea where he is today, but I'd put good money on "dead" or "prison."

In my case the "addicted to everything I like" statement also includes computers and bicycles. The main problem there is that it's so hard to keep the bicycle lit long enough to get a decent hit (same for computers). OK, that's a partial joke; I am hooked on computers and bikes, but I don't actually try to smoke them. (You've heard the old joke - "please don't throw cigarette butts in the toilet; it makes them soggy and hard to light.")

My daughter has been known to say "I'm in school. Once I get out, the fun is over. I need to enjoy myself now!"

Ahhh, you have no idea, girl. Sure you have a "unique" degree of freedom now, but a different freedom awaits. Don't fuck up now - and I pray that you don't fuck up later - but the freedom adulthood brings is pretty special as well. It also brings even greater temptations and hazards. If you get into bad habits and get connected to bad people now, you'll tend to continue those habits and gravitate to similarly bad people once you're on your own. Such is the history of Humanity.

Trust me, Taco, I've been there. I've done that. And, you visited me while I was in rehab when you were 12 years old. That's a hell of a thing for a kid to have to do.

I don't want to have to visit you in rehab; my parents had to do that with me, and I know it was hard for them.

Get a freaking grip - while you still can. (And for God's sake, make the guy use a condom if you're going to fool around). I can't protect you, that's for sure. I can barely protect myself, and you're old enough to know that now.

In closing I have to say this: no, I didn't write this to a taco in the literal (foodstuff) sense. The real Taco knows who I'm talking to. I hope she's listening.