Robin Williams has died

My first thought was "heart attack" because of his history of cardiac issues, but that wasn't it.

They (NPR) said that it was an apparent suicide. Some, even many, people may have been surprised by this, but it seemed completely logical to me.

Mr. Williams' chronic depression wasn't news, really, and anyone who has been reading this blog for 10 years or more knows that I attempted suicide in autumn of 2004. Sometimes it seems like the only solution. It isn't, usually, but it can seem that way. Chronic major depression works that way.

When I quit drinking, there is a good chance that some people believed that my problems with depression would evaporate; of course they did not. Just two years ago I was in the process of getting certified as Officially Disabled by the state owing to my depression and stood a good chance of achieving that goal. I withdrew my application after it became apparent that working at a convenience store was good therapy.

Recently a young (20 years old) customer was disparaging another customer who is on disability due to bipolar disorder. "She doesn't need food stamps, she doesn't need disability, her only problem is that she's on drugs!" I tried to explain that mental illness is a real disability but he was adamant. Oh well. He's a kid. And she doesn't need drugs to be the way she is; she's physically beautiful but a complete airhead when she's feeling good and she does look like she might be on drugs when she's feeling low, but I can tell the difference. She might get high on something now and then but that's not her underlying problem.

Rest in Peace, Robin Williams. Your pain was always just under the surface, it could be seen, but you are at rest now.