my empire of dirt

i hurt myself today
to see if i still feel
i focus on the pain
the only thing that's real
the needle tears a hole
the old familiar sting
try to kill it all away
but i remember everything
what have i become?
my sweetest friend
everyone i know
goes away in the end
you could have it all
my empire of dirt
i will let you down
i will make you hurt
i wear this crown of shit
upon my liar's chair
full of broken thoughts
i cannot repair
beneath the stains of time
the feelings disappear
you are someone else
i am still right here
what have i become?
my sweetest friend
everyone i know
goes away in the end
and you could have it all
my empire of dirt
i will let you down
i will make you hurt
if i could start again
a million miles away
i would keep myself
i would find a way

- Trent Reznor, "Hurt"

I didn't actually "hurt myself today," but I've been listening to Johnny Cash's version of "Hurt" a lot lately. It reflects much of my life.

Today is actually a beautiful day in Tallahassee; temperatures in the low 70's, light breeze. Yesterday was kind of hot until the late afternoon thunderstorms rolled through. I got stuck in a hailstorm on the way to pick up my check after work. The knuckles on my right hand are slightly bruised from when I had to hold down the hood of my rain jacket; the hail fell hard and heavy for about five minutes, and there was no shelter to be found. My knuckles got beat up pretty good by the driving hail (up to 3/8" in diameter).

Well, if it's Saturday, I must be homeless again. During the week I can afford a motel room, but that's out of the question on the weekends. Normally I spend Saturday and Sunday nights in an abandoned mobile home. This weekend I may be able to crash on a co-worker's couch. I just hope he has laundry facilities so I can go to work in clean clothes on Monday.

I had a good lunch today, eating at two different homeless shelters. Chicken, beans and cole slaw at one, spaghetti at another.

And meanwhile, the domestication of the dog continues unabated.